The following is an anonymous article from a pastor. It could be from a senior or executive pastor, or a pastor who leads a department. No solutions are given to working with a controlling pastor, just the perspective of a controller.
I’ve never shared this with anyone, so don’t go blabbing it around town. There was a psychologist that said I had a controlling personality, and of course I denied it. Deep down though, I knew that the psychologist was right, but it’s not my fault. Plus, I know that the staff really wants to control me, so I have to be on the offensive to upstage them.
Some of the church staff say that I have a little bit of a temper. Okay, so sometimes the staff do such dumb things that I throw a tantrum to wake them up. Staff can be such idiots and lame-brained. I can be dramatic—that comes with the territory. I’m not trying to intimidate you … well maybe some of the time. Just do your work and do it my way. We’ve had many long staff meetings where lots of things were said—but in the end, I wore you down and you agreed with me. So, my style works!
Sometimes I poke fun at the slow methods that you use to do your ministry. I might even goad you with some good-humored name calling, like Dummy, Goody-Two-Shoes or worse. You are newer here and need to get in step. Sometimes there is so much tomfoolery with staff time, such dawdling, that nothing gets done. So, I joke about it. I haven’t had anyone cry because of my jokes, well except for that one touchy person who cried at everything. Your self-esteem is less important than getting our mission accomplished.
It gets down to this: I need to control your work. You just aren’t always up to snuff. Sometimes I am going to manipulate you to do it my way. I’ve been around the longest and know what needs to be done here. We have goals in this church and they must be met in any way possible. I’m the boss and don’t you forget it. Don’t tell me, no; just tell me how you are going to do it. It’s not my fault if you make me angry.
Sure, our church may skirt the rules now and then. There are such crazy laws nowadays and our church by-laws constrict getting ministry done. Who likes all those items in an expense form? Only the bean counting accountants. So, we just play right at that line of law, sometimes stepping over it. Some might call me odd or eccentric. One former staff person called me unethical and dishonest. I said to him, try to prove that in court or with the congregation. Okay, a couple people did take this church to court over what we have done, and they lost—each time.
Sure I like to be the center of attention and my position demands it. It’s not my fault that I was selected to be a pastor. You are a cog in the wheel, so sometimes you get neglected. Get over it. The congregation loves me! If you try to upstage me, you won’t last long here. The bottom line is, if you don’t like it, find a job somewhere else.
Now don’t call up any psychobabble that says that I’m a Narcissist. I am anxious and fearful at times, but you try leading this church! If I was a Narcissist, I wouldn’t want your ministry area to succeed. So, I’m going to support you as long as you toe the line and fulfill my vision for this church. I’m sure Narcissists don’t say that!
I’m married to the church. You need to put the church ahead of your family and social life—that’s what we are called to do. The church needs us to be available all the time. Because of this high calling, I don’t have remorse for my actions. We serve a higher purpose here and the end justifies the means. Sure, I get impulsive on new projects as that will help us grow—and keep you with a paycheck. You are paid to work as many hours as I need you.
If truth be told, I do have moments when I’m afraid all the staff will quit. I get really bummed out about how incompetent they can be. They are going to abandon me someday. Those are dark days but I get over it. In those dark days, I feel pretty empty—and angry too. I’m better than all this! I am entitled to a better life and a better staff. I’m not paranoid or anything like that, but I do know that some of the staff are out to sabotage me. Those younger staff want my position and I envy their youth and stamina. But I can, and will, outlast them!
Look, I’m the best at what I do. No one in our area, perhaps even the state, comes close to my accomplishments. Try to find someone who does and I will resign … but you never will find that magical person. I know what you think and that’s why I do the things that I do. Once we get over that, we can have a great working relationship. We pay you well and give you a bonus at Christmas. Your financial needs are taken care of. Trust me.
If you don’t do what I want, then there will be consequences. There are consequences in business and so there are in the church. You have got to admire what I’ve done here over so many years. Don’t think that you can step in here and make it better. We have seen lots of people leave over the years. Don’t call this a revolving door for staff! I hate that term. We keep competent staff until they can be launched into a ministry of their own. Look at how quickly we have gotten new staff to fill the positions of those who left. Take that into account the next time you criticize me.
Some say this church is all about me. Well, that’s just a lot of hooey. The decisions that I make are for the good of everybody, and that includes me. Look, if you don’t like the decisions, then go somewhere else. You can be replaced. Get over your soft ego and toughen up. I’m not name calling here, but just speaking the truth in love. It’s not my fault that you are overly sensitive. Work with me and become strong. I do whatever it takes to get the job done at this church … and so can you.
One person had the audacity to call me a social chameleon. They said that in public I am Mr. Nice but in private I’m Mr. Hyde. That’s rubbish. That person couldn’t give one credible example. What a naysayer! All the examples she gave were so trite that an elementary school kid could see through them. Really, when I’m with the congregation, it’s like I’m on stage and the center of attention. You have to be gentle with the sheep. But with other shepherds, I can say what needs to be said. Don’t think that I don’t understand what you are saying, as you’ve said it several times to me. I just don’t agree with you and need you to agree with me.
Look, I like my staff. I hired them and want them to be here. So, let’s focus on that. You can be so very good at what you do. You can be a great fit at this church. Play along with me and you will go far! I’m not unwilling to talk about a big issue with you, but don’t bring up this namby-pamby name calling about how I do things. You are better than that.
Don’t think that if you move on that we are necessarily going to give you a good reference. If you have crossed me, I can hold a grudge for a long time. It’s you that has a character problem and others need to know about it. If you tell me that you are looking for a new job, then consider that your two week’s notice. I don’t tolerate people who are disloyal. God called you here. Stay until we decide it is time for you to leave or some job pops up out of the blue.
One staff member complained to me, carping as usual, that I took all the credit for his project. Well, it was my idea in the first place. I put my political capital on the line to help it succeed. Everyone knew that the staff member executed the program. So, what’s the beef? There is too much competition in church, everyone wants to get full credit. The church world just doesn’t work that way—it’s a team and I’m the quarterback.
I don’t understand staff who don’t return my calls, texts or emails right away. This is a church and a business. Don’t you know that I sign your paycheck? You work for me. If I call you at 8:00 pm some night, then you sure had better pick up the phone. I wouldn’t be contacting you if it wasn’t important. Sometimes, I am going to freeze you out and not take your calls or see you during the week. I’ve got to let you know that when you mess up, you are going to pay for it. But, you better respond to me. I’m the boss.
Well, enough of this self-pitying tirade of mine. I do what I do to accomplish the mission of this church. It’s my mission, my calling and my leadership at stake here. If you share this with anybody, then there will be hell to pay. I don’t like disunity or disloyalty. Get with it. Do it my way, or else.
If you have thoughts on working with a controlling pastor, use the “Email Fletch” tab at the top of the screen. Fletch will soon bring a response to this article, which may help you in working with a controller.
