I hate shopping for antiques. In the rare event that my wife convinces me to go look at antiques, I will shuffle miserably around behind her trying not to get dust in my eyes. Between the creepy dolls, the obsolete electronics, and the general lack of necessity of anything I’d buy in an antique store, it’s not a great experience for me. Yet, there are times that I find great opportunity in the antique store. As an avid baseball fan, sometimes amid the aisles of junk I’ll find a rare baseball card or an old ball. When I practice intentionality in the difficult circumstance, it’s amazing what can be found.

There was a day this past week in my position as an Executive Pastor that felt like antique shopping. I had no less than 8 phone calls that I had to make before the afternoon ended to clarify communication in an unnecessarily dramatic situation. Because of an email that was sent by CCing to a large group of people, there was a significant amount of conversation that had to happen. 

In the barrage of phone calls, something amazing began to happen. As the Spirit led, I exercised pastoral discipleship alongside talking about difficult matters. I made a connection for a young man new to the city about a job. I encouraged a man going through some difficult health journeys. I expressed heartfelt appreciation for the body of service of one of our long-term faithful members. I prayed with a man who had a family member in the hospital. Where I expected only dusty, unnecessary conversations, the Lord had planned fountains of life.

I love that XPastor has the tagline: Business Brain, Pastoral Heart. This is the biggest challenge for many of us as Executive Pastors. We enter ministry with the hope to spend most of our time in life-giving discipleship interactions, but in the day-to-day, we find ourselves reviewing policy and calculating budgets and cashflow. The real gift of what we do as Executive Pastors is connecting the two strands.

How can Executive Pastors successfully find the discipleship gold in the dust of conflict resolution? Here are some pointers that I hope will be successful for you:

1. Schedules

A clear schedule clears schedules:

Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways and be wise. Without having any chief, officer or ruler, she prepares her bread in the summer and gathers her food in the harvest. Proverbs 6:6-8 (ESV)

The beginning of the week feels like a game of Tetris. You’ll have a series of misshapen meetings and calls alongside the normal routine functions. Add to this responsibilities in and around the worship services and general family schedules. The forest of calendar updates grows up quickly. 

What normally complicates an already complicated schedule is the tyranny of the urgent. The good of the church demands that problems be resolved quickly. Counseling sessions pop up. Staff members have crises and need coaching, especially Gen Z staff members. 

This constant barrage of activity for XPs creates the need for a schedule that is intentional and visible. It’s been said, Own your schedule or your schedule will own you. By approaching our schedule getting ahead of the barrage, we can maintain some semblance of clarity. I recommend utilizing both your personal phone and also practicing the discipline of keeping a running to-do list on a board in your office.

An orderly and visible schedule doesn’t reduce the number of appointments or slow down the emergencies that arise. But a clear schedule empowers you to deal with those emergencies while also maneuvering the normal processes to available space. 

By knowing what is coming in the week, you can appropriately spend time on opportunities for discipleship and evangelism.

2. Not Email

Email should be boring. People should be called/met.

Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use paper and ink. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete. 2 John 12

One of the biggest mistakes young church leaders make is choosing efficiency over effectiveness when dealing with conflict resolution. It is tempting amid an active issue to fire off an email CCing all the individuals involved in the dispute.

The fly in the ointment here is that email empowers passive-aggressive people to exacerbate and misunderstand. While we intend for an email to communicate to all involved, it will ultimately only prolong the confusion.

When a conflict arises that requires XP interaction, schedule the call or the meeting. Unless the issue is completely data-driven, the personal/pastoral interaction is the best tool for effectiveness. The personal call wedges out the keyboard warriors to present their issues in cogent ways face to face. It adds personality to the conflict and empowers you as the XP to lead the conversation. 

An easy rule of thumb here is similar to a principle I’ve heard with attorneys, In court, don’t ever ask a question that you don’t know the answer to. With email, don’t ever put a principle out there that can hold a surprise response. 

3. Listen

Turn down your adrenaline, listen to the Spirit.

When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given you in that hour. Matthew 10:19

When you find yourself in conflict resolution, it can be easy to lean into the flight/fight response. We perceive a threat, then respond to it. When taking the call, it is essential to have a set list of talking points in front of you to prepare for the issue. But much like having a clear schedule you follow in the week, by knowing the main points that you need to discuss, you can leave room for the Spirit to guide you toward pastoral care.

Every person that you call or meet with will have a life outside of the problem you’re discussing at the church. Often those outside problems drive the emotion that creates conflict. It is vitally important for you to care about the person and his/her life beyond the problem that is affecting you.

This self-centered problem-solving process drives a wedge between many XPs and their congregants. The feeling grows that the XP only cares about the people in the congregation if they give to a high volume or if they have a problem that will impact the XP’s strategy. While this is probably not your intention as an XP, you must keep aware of this connotation. 

The best way to combat this and to allow the Spirit to guide you in pastoring through conflict resolution is to also spend time getting to know your congregants and to intentionally plan conversations that interact with personal life, not just church business. 

Take the person out to lunch and learn about their business career. Take the time to attend a ball game for one of their kids. Invite them to activities that you do in the course of your normal week. While church business may come up, practice the discipline of pastoring your people’s hearts.

It is important to not only keep up your health in understanding emotional issues but also keeping up your personal prayer life/Scripture reading. We can only give to others what we’ve been given. If we’re not intentionally scheduling time in the quiet of our offices to get down on our knees before the Lord, learning his Word, then it shouldn’t surprise us when our comfort runs dry.

When we allow the Spirit to whisper into even difficult conversations, you’ll be surprised how he will open doors to minister to people in conflict. 

4. Stopping Behavior

Sometimes the best way you can honor/disciple a person is by stopping behavior that dishonors them.

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. Hebrews 13:17

Conflict drives people to dishonorable behavior. People will gossip, they’ll lie, they’ll insult. Just like we as XPs experience fight/flight response, so also the instigators of conflict will feel that same adrenaline. And often, this dishonorable response is a misguided attempt to serve the Lord well. 

When I was a youth minister, I was asked if Exodus 20:12 (i.e. the commandment to honor your father and mother) meant that a child had to do everything a parent says throughout their lives, even if that directive is wrong. God used the word honor on purpose instead of directly obey. When a parent directs a child to perform an action that is sinful, that parent brings dishonor on himself by abusing the God-given authority they’ve received. It is no honor to sin by a parental directive.

In the same way, when a church member’s actions in conflict are sinful, it is no honor to let them have their way. It dishonors the character and influence the Lord has put in them in the work of the church. In these instances, an XP is called to stand to keep the alignment with mission. 

The method to manage that kind of conflict can happen in several different ways: mediation, marginalization, direct rebuke, etc. But the most important thing in discipling a misaligned church member is to be clear and to redirect back to the mission of the church. Clarity is kindness, especially in conflict resolution.

5. Know Your People

… shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. 1 Peter 5:2-3

The key to all discipleship with your people is knowing who they are and what they care about. In ministry we are sometimes ignorant of the realities of life for our people. It is incumbent on all XPs to spend time learning the hearts of their people, caring for their families, and finding ways to effectively equip them in their spiritual gifting. 

The result of this kind of consistent pastoral care early on will lead to more future support in instances of conflict resolution. If you as an XP show that you care about more than just getting your job done in an easy manner, the respect you build will create a stronger foundation for future conflict. Conflict resolution will still be difficult, but it’s a loss less difficult when the silent majority know your heart and commitment to Christ through the mission of the church. You will never know how you inspire the hearts of your people through kind, gentle, firm, and wise conflict resolution.

Conclusion

There is a lot of beauty in discipleship that we can discover through conflict resolution. It can build respect, compassion, and clarity of the mission. It can also lead to personal growth beyond what you’d ever think you could do as an XP. 

The members of our churches want to know that they’re cared for, loved, and equipped. Let’s see to it that we fulfill that calling in the name of Christ.

… to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ. Ephesians 4:12