We’ve all been there. We’ve heard bosses, supervisors and even friends fumble, stumble and ramble when attempting to bring bad or difficult news to someone. Whether it’s a team or an entire company, a whole lot of people can be hurt. Weak attempts to deliver bad news are wrong in so many ways. Even though you care deeply, when the message is cluttered and misguided, genuine care and compassion are never felt. This is not like pitching horseshoes—close doesn’t count. You’ve got to get this right. Dropping the ball in these moments will make a memory that no one wants to hold.

I know a pastor who had to resign because of a personal problem. He had experienced a very successful ministry for many years. He was loved deeply by his staff and his congregation. Rather than the leadership go outside their church to find a new pastor, they decided to move a relatively new staff member into that role as interim. This is where the story takes a bad turn.

This is the ultimate in getting off on the wrong foot. The new pastor stepped up to deliver his first statement to the staff. He fumbled and dropped the ball and with one single comment, caused resentment, doubt and even anger that resounded throughout the staff. This was an opportunity to be the leader that others would be willing to follow. He could have communicated his appreciation and love for the pastor who just resigned by demonstrating humility, dignity and transparency. However, he totally blew it!

Here is what he said: I believe I was called for this moment in time.

Yikes! He just didn’t think.

How can ten words be so hurtful and damaging? If this were a movie, what was the scene he was walking into? He might have been the right actor but for sure was reading the wrong script. How did he need to position himself in that moment? If only he would have prepared and empathized, he could have turned that moment into hope rather than regret.

It took two years for that pain and the disruption to subside. He turned, what could be a good news comment into a bad news moment. He didn’t pay attention to the team context nor the team atmosphere. In these moments people need great peripheral vision. That is not only seeing what’s in front of them but seeing what’s all around. Peripheral vision is one of the great skills and qualities required by Secret Service teams protecting the President. It’s also a skill needed by athletes, teachers, doctors, Uber drivers, parents and spouses.

Delivering bad news should be more like preparing for a valedictorian speech rather than telling a story at a party. Or more like a music recital than playing in a garage band.

When delivering bad news follow these steps and you won’t have any regrets. I guarantee it!

Know the Scene Your Walking Into

My pastor friend did not realize that his script was from a totally different movie. If he had taken the time to do research on the background and context of the scene, he could have delivered a great performance. The moment surprised him and the audience was totally offended.

When you have difficult news to deliver, measure twice and cut once. Be intentional and prepared. You have to take many things into account. Just like a great Bible teacher prepares a sermon from a particular passage: What is the historical context? What is the story and what is the follow through or the application? The preparation for delivering bad news has to include the understanding of the overall situation. What went wrong? What things were misunderstood? Who is to own what? Could this bad moment have been avoided? Know the scene!

Stick to the Script

It’s like the bride and groom delivering their marriage vows at the wedding. This is no time to wing it. A bad delivery in this moment will hijack the essence and beauty of that holy encounter. When preparing to deliver bad news, make sure you understand that your first twenty-five words are as important as any you have ever spoken. To get this right is one of the most crucial duties of your work.

When a pilot of a Boeing 737 calls the control tower for landing instructions, the air traffic controller is trained to give the pilot the exact information necessary to get all 149 passengers down safely. Ambiguous, unclear information from the control tower could cause a disaster. Imagine the air traffic controller responding with, “Well, I guess you could take runway 86, but maybe 110 would be best because of the wind conditions.” No way!

Write out every word you are planning to say. Read it again and again, edit and memorize it. You can even use your cell phone to record it to see your pacing and delivery. Even body language matters. Stick to the script!

Tension and Release

You’ve probably seen the terms tension and release or tension and resolution. The principle is important because it exists in all styles of music. It’s one of the main reasons that listeners feel like the music tells a story. Tension and release refers to the build-up of musical intensity that eventually dissolves and relaxes. The same thing applies in movies, television shows, plays, books and sermons. It’s a natural process that can happen even when delivering bad news.

Here’s the application. After delivering the well-rehearsed bad news or your script, followed by a few other comments, these things combined, build and cause the tension. Tension is extremely useful. Don’t try to avoid it. But then it’s time for the release. This is an opportunity for people to respond to your script. The release can appear in the form of awkwardness, silence, hurtful comments, anger or simply allowing the person to be free to say whatever they want. This release can be the pathway to bringing clarity to the conversation. Tension always results in the release.

The Caring

This is the opportunity during the conversation, to bring your best caring heart into play. In this moment put love and kindness into practice. If these two words sound familiar, they are listed as fruit of the spirit in Galatians. Kindness has a connotation of meaning someone is naive or weak, but the true meaning of the word implies courage and strength. Kindness is an interpersonal skill. The Bible tells us that it’s God’s kindness that draws us to repentance.

When delivering bad news, show kindness. It can pave the way for truth and honor to show up in wonderful ways. Kindness is all about telling and receiving the truth. Accurate feedback is important and kindness can get you there sooner.

Days or months or even years following this bad news encounter, the person might not remember the words you spoke, but they will for sure remember how you made them feel. Demonstrate caring!

The Finale

Now comes the opportunity to bring closure and true understanding. This is your finale. Now it’s time to deliver the final sentence of the conversation. It’s the last part of your script. This too must be rehearsed. This is that moment just before they walk out the door. Hopefully you can feel this emotion, even as you read this. Here’s the question you must ask yourself as you consider the finale. What about this could be my mistake or could be attributed to the lack of my leadership.

Imagine later in the evening when you get home, after dinner, when you’re ready to go to bed and this whole experience is replayed in your mind. These are the questions you will need to consider.

  • Was I truthful?
  • Was I patient?
  • Was I kind?
  • Did I avoid anything that I intentionally dodged?
  • Violins playing: Did I represent the heart of Jesus as best I could?
  • Drum roll: Was my very last comment instructional, with the intent of building some kind of confidence into the soul of this person that God cares deeply about?

Bad news doesn’t have to be bad news.